Last Time.

I was in love once. Well…at least I thought I was. See, he was 14 and interesting and I was 13 and interested. He wasn’t what I would typically go for, but there was just something about him. His demeanor, his confidence…and even his sarcasm. Things happened, stuff was said, and he became my first ex-boyfriend (if you catch my drift).

I was 17 and still interested and he was 18 and still interesting. Years had passed and we were friends for the most part. But the funny thing was, before our first encounter in what seemed like years (it was only actually a year), I was thinking about him non-stop. When I was with him again I wasn’t sure if was was happy or scared. I had so many things to say, so many emotions to release, but all he could manage was “What was your SAT score?” and all I could say was “Most likely something higher than yours.” That was our thing. Constant competition, trying to determine which one was better than the other. I enjoyed the thrill, but I hated the emotions that came with it. Our friendship blossomed again and things were good, I could say we were pretty good friends. Then one day he said it. It caught me completely off guard and he said it. He said the word that every girl wants to hear…every girl except me. You see, I would have loved to have heard it if it came from a different set of lips, but it didn’t. It was that same pair of lips I’ve kissed, but it just didn’t seem right. Nah, he didn’t love me, he was only playing with my emotions, right? Nothing really happened after that. We hung out a few times, but nothing serious. He went his way and I went to college. End of that chapter in my life…at least I thought it was.

I was 18 and obviously interesting and he was 19 and still interested. It was late one night and I was talking to someone I was just getting to know and then BAM there it was! In bold letters (well not really, because I don’t think letters can be bold in text messages), L-O-V-E. I didn’t believe it before and I didn’t believe it then. Who does this guy think he is? He can’t just come in and out of my life disrupting and shaking things up and expect me to be okay with it. But he did and I was. Part of me was calling myself stupid for continuously allowing this madness, but then part of me believed in faith. I’m a hopeless romantic, cut me some slack. But just like that he was gone again.

I was 19 and growing up and he was 20 maturing…well at least I had thought so. No “love” thing this time. Only friends, you know the kind of old friends that had something going on, but realized it couldn’t work and remained great friends anyhow? Yeah, that type of old friends. I had always enjoyed our conversations. They were very insightful and laced with sarcasm, everything I love. Now I knew there was no feelings there, but my heart did do a 1000 meter leap every time my phone lit up and my mouth did some weird smiling thing. I’m not really sure what that was all about. But as usual we lost touch, but there was no love lost.

I was 20 learning and he was 21 and involved. Now, I’m not the girl that butts in other people’s relationships, I have enough problems on my own. But this was different, I saw my friend going through a tough time and I decided to help. Foolish of me. I gave advice and broke the ice and we were back like we never left. But I didn’t allow myself to sink in this time. I didn’t want anything to happen and I knew nothing would happen. I said I didn’t allow myself, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t anyway.

Things went on, and time went by and we are just old friends now. You know the kind of old friends that fell out of touch and don’t really talk anymore. There’s nothing there I promise but I still think about him from time to time. Just out of curiosity I always wonder if was ever really real. Or was my over active hopeless romantic imagination messing with me the whole time? Let’s hope the last time was the last time and I won’t fall into the trap…like last time.

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